Shop Mobile More Submit  Join Login
×
  • Listening to: Mew, Stereophonics
  • Reading: Their Eyes Were Watching God
www.michellele09.deviantart.com

I felt like making a new account for a new year...for a new phase? shrugs
I will no longer upload here. Feel free to add me there, that is, if you're willing to be patient, since I rarely upload anything much anymore. :/
I don't know whether or not to delete this account and upload all my old photos on my new one.. Or if I should leave it here and submit new photos on my new account. I'm so indecisive. D;

Sigh, even with free time, I still procrastinate. I haven't uploaded or edited photos for the 365 project.. And I have cheated. I have either forgotten to take a picture for the day, or I don't have any ideas... so I make it up by using photos from other days, heh. I've lost count of what day I'm supposed to be at.

Damn..I miss the rain, haha; it was supposed to rain the whole weekend.
  • Listening to: Death Cab for Cutie
  • Reading: Ansel Adams. America's Photographer
  • Eating: I'm hungry but too sleepy to make something.
I guess I have been doing the 365 project, although I'm getting oh, so bored so very quickly.. I know the whole point is the exact opposite, heh. I'm supposed to be finding new ways to shoot, looking for improvement, but.. I truly have not been inspired in so long. I have not gotten enough sleep (it's currently 2:19 am.. I'm getting used to sleeping at 3 and waking up at 6:30). And.. I have already skipped some days and I have a feeling I'll end up cheating by replacing those missing days when photos from later days, hahaha.

I'm supposed to be doing research and whatnot on Ansel Adams for my sociology project. I had two weeks to fucking do this, and I must finish it by tomorrow.. I haven't even emulated his photos or his style.. I thought it would be a good idea to improve my "photography." I never knew much about him except that he took photos of Yosemite.. But there's something about him that makes me smile. I think it's his passion, you know.. yeah, most of the time, I either am too lazy or ignorant about other's biography. I can't consider myself a fan or whathaveyou, no? I sound odd. Maybe I should go to bed..

Well, I guess I had a new account: michellele09.deviantart.com
I guess it'll be for mostly the 365 project, although I've made a Flickr account for this already, and mostly for new photos (new start?). I need a new start.

And what made me smile today:

Driving home while it was raining and hearing Death Cab blasting from somewhere. Thought someone played it on the streets or something, haha. Rolled the windows down and realized it was the car in front of me.. Didn't get to see the driver's face, but the person also had a pretty hip car, ha. Don't know why, but it made smile. Good music, good weather, y'know. But anyway..

----
"A Lack of Color" - DCFC

And when I see you
I really see you upside down
but my brain knows better
it picks you up and turns you around
turns you around
turns you around

If you feel discouraged
that there's a lack of color here
please don't worry lover
it's really bursting at the seams
absorbing everything
the spectrum's a to z

This is fact not fiction
for the first time in years
all the girls in every girlie magazine
can't make me feel
any less alone
I'm reaching for the phone
to call at 7:03
and on your machine I slur a plea for you to come home
but I know it's too late
I should have given you a reason to stay
given you a reason to stay
given you a reason to stay
given you a reason to stay

this is fact not fiction
for the first time in years

---

Long post. Unintended. Simple sentences. And I suppose I should get used to this new layout..
  • Listening to: Sigur Ros - Med Sud I Eyrum Vid Spilum Endalaust
  • Reading: A Tale of Two Cities
I don't know whether I'm sad, pissed off, defeated and whathaveyou. Fuck, I just.. ah.. It's embarrassing when you tell someone, "My family doesn't support me." Especially to an admission rep. So someone from photography school calls me, and we scheduled to talk today and that I would need my parental/guardian to agree to be interviewed (since I'm a minor, which fucking sucks since I'll be entering college at 17). I let my parents know and they don't want to support me in this, aren't even willing to be fucking open minded and just hear them out about the school and the field of photography from someone who's had many years of experience. I wasn't as asdkfj; you know, since I saw it coming. So I ask my brother, who's 25, and he doesn't support me either. But he's being an ass, as usual, and then it hits me. I don't have support from anyone in my fucking family. It just sucks, you know? So when he called me back to talk, the first thing I had to say was, "I'm sorry, but my parents aren't willing to be interviewed much less to hear what you have to offer." I even sent him my portfolio since he asked for it a couple days prior to the scheduled interview.. But all he said was, "That sucks. Well, if this is what you love to do, then you know, keep on pursuing your dream. And you have my number and email, so you can talk to me anytime. Okay? Bye." Fuck, I didn't even get a chance to talk to him about my portfolio and everything else.

I am so tired... Part of my New Year's resolution was to take a photo a day, the 365 project, in order to actually dedicate more time to it. But already I've procrastinated... I don't know what's been up with me lately. Fuck, my resolution is also to not swear, but it seems like I already am. Teenage angst? I hope not. sigh

I feel like making a new account... I believe my username was created in 9th grade, ha.. What was I thinking? I need something simple. "Simplify, simplify, simplify..."

"So this is the new year... and I don't feel any different." -DCFC
  • Listening to: B.R.M.C
Fuck, I'm screwed. I just realized that I have to submit a portfolio if I'm going to major in Photography/Photojournalism.. And all of my pictures on my computer were recently lost.. That's also why you haven't seen me submit anything new. Also, the ones I have on here, I was stupid enough to resize them to smaller pixels, and now I don't have the original.. without the watermark as well. And due to the workload in my senior year, fuck, I just don't have time quite honestly anymore for photography.. And one of my college choices wants a portfolio submitted in January 2009, as compared to in October 2009 when freshmen start school in the Fall. Dammit. I was hoping to dedicate my time to photography in the summer, that way, I can build my portfolio.. So basically, I've got about a month to build my portfolio. :( Fuck, I don't think I'll be able to do this.. I honestly don't even know much about cameras. I am a joke. I won't be taken seriously, since, I believe, the professors are expecting you to know quite a bit about cameras and whatnot.. And a 35 mm camera is required for most courses, which I don't have. I have a fucking Olympus Cannon Powershot. I should've done my apps sooner instead of thinking I'll apply to whatever colleges and put Undeclared. Now I'm doing my research last minute. Maybe I need to fucking calm down and not stress out so much. I'm just..tired.

end rant, sorry.
  • Listening to: Slowdive
or so since I've last logged on here. sigh, I just don't have much time for photography anymore, although I am thinking about majoring in Photography/Photojournalism next fall. Just don't know if I can do it anymore since I have been so inactive as well as not having much experience with cameras. But I guess I'll learn, right? Ha. I'm currently researching on Stonehenge for an assignment, haha.. I should get back to it. Just wanted to log on here to update on what's been going on, if anyone cares. Hope everyone had a nice Halloween. Never too old to go trick or treating, eh? ha.
  • Listening to: Mew - Louise Louisa
  • Watching: was watching the Olympics, ha
  • Drinking: green tea
12:34 am. I should be sleeping. But I can't. Have been getting around 6 hours of sleep lately.. although that's not that bad; in fact, not at all, hah. But I'm so damn tired all of the time. Geezus, all of my blogs are practically depressing, haha.

Well, my computer had a virus and whatnot.. So I had to get it fixed and the majority of my files, including all of the photos I uploaded from my camera, are gone. At least all my music files are still here.. Have been busy these past months, even more so because of moving. sigh. Ah, well.. I suppose if I get the chance to go out or when i'm not lacking creativity or inspiration, I'll be more active with photography.
  • Reading: slowly reading Atonement...
Just went to the Getty Museum again today. Didn't get to spend as much time as I would've loved to, but I had a great day nonetheless. Anyway, I shall upload them and see if the shots came out decent at least, heh. I"m so pessimistic right now; I don't necessarily know why. Perhaps I am sleep at the moment. Yes.. Well, I have a feeling that I won't even upload the photos up on here until my spring break. Shit, I haven't even uploaded the pictures I said I would from my last journal entry. I also swear too much. I think I'll go to bed now.
  • Listening to: Ben's Brother - Stuttering (haha!)
  • Reading: I have yet to read Atonement!
I shall return..

busy busy busy

This is driving me crazy.

And sorry if i haven't given feedback or checked out some of the work you guys have uploaded. As of right now, there are 328 deviations I haven't opened. Once again, sorry.

I am so tired.
  • Listening to: Landon Pigg; The White Buffalo
Hope everyone had a nice holiday.

What are your New Year's Resolution(s)?

Here are some of mine (maybe I should just stick to one before I don't commit to them):

-eat right, stay fit, ha
-be more involved with my community, volunteer more
-be optimistic, dammit


Anyway, I do apologize for my lackluster photos lately. It would be nice to use the "I haven't been inspired lately" excuse, but lately, I don't think that is the problem... nor is it because my Canon Powershot hasn't been fixed either. It is probably something else; I know it is. But I just haven't been out of this mood for a while. I haven't written anything in months. I haven't asked for help, ha. I wish I could confidently state that I have been "stoic", but rather, I have felt "weak". Oh gosh, why am I feeling the urge to rant? And on here? I'll save it.
  • Listening to: Matchbox Twenty's new CD, and Bryan Adams, ha
I want a thousand bucks, haha. Although I'm still trying to learn how to use the site and all, and with the few pictures I've submitted, would you please vote for me?

Click here to view and vote for me in Brickfish's "Shoot Out!" Photography Contest. Thanks. :)
Screw California
And friends that are never there
And places that they oughta
Pretend that they even care

From a false family, she could light you up
Like a holiday tree in the summer

So lead us there

So screw California
And ice that will never melt
From hearts of the modern
Children of Cicero

From a false family, she could light you up
Like a holiday tree in the summer

So lead us there...

-Rogue Wave

----

Tired.
  • Listening to: death cab for cutie
On my previous journal entry, I had mentioned that my Canon Powershot SD550 was "broken" due to sand getting into my lens. A friend of mine had dropped it, ha. So since my family had gone to Vietnam for vacation for two weeks, I thought I'd get it fixed inexpensive. However, I had received bad news: they couldn't fix it. sighs so I bought a Canon Powershot SD 750 for about 270 today, but it'll probably be returned.. I still have my Olympus Stylus 710, but I'm not fond of that.. ha. Too much noise, which can be fixed through ISO and photoshop, but.. I don't know. I've become attached to my Canon! Haha.

But ah.. school starts in about a week, and I'm not looking forward.. especially Ap Biology and AP History. And then I'll be taking Photography class at my school, but I'm not sure if i'm really looking forward to it, from what I've heard. The teacher sucks and we barely do any crap in that class. We can't even use the studio until the end of the year. haha.

Well, I hope everyone's well. :)
  • Listening to: coldplay - sparks; we never change
I'm pissed off that sand got into my lens and adsljfd. I'm going to have to find a shop to get it fixed. By the way, if you know any reliable and great-service shops, could you let me know? "The beach is a dangerous place for photo taking." Sure is, heh. In the meantime, no "photography" for a while. sighs Maybe I'll dig up some old photos and submit them..
  • Reading: Bluebeard
  • Watching: Lord of the Rings, haha.
I went to the Getty Museum up in La again on Tuesday. I'm pretty sad i didn't get to spend as much time as I would love to, nor take more shots of its architecture, but that's all right. Anyway, if you could, check out the photos as well as the paintings and drawings I'll be uploading and to let me know what you think. As always, advice/tips and comments are appreciated. I hope everyone's well. cheers.
It doesn't hurt me.
You wanna feel how it feels?
You wanna know, know that it doesn't hurt me?
You wanna hear about the deal I'm making?
You *be running up that hill*
You and me *be running up that hill*

And if I only could,
Make a deal with God,
And get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
Be running up that building.
If I only could, oh...

You don't want to hurt me,
But see how deep the bullet lies.
Unaware that I'm tearing you asunder.
There is thunder in our hearts, baby.
So much hate for the ones we love?
Tell me, we both matter, don't we?

You, *be running up that hill*
You and me, *be running up that hill*
You and me won't be unhappy.

And if I only could,
Make a deal with God,
And get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
Be running up that building,
If I only could, oh...

'C'mon, baby, c'mon, c'mon, darling,
Let me steal this moment from you now.
C'mon, angel, c'mon, c'mon, darling,
Let's exchange the experience, oh...'

And if I only could,
Make a deal with God,
And get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
With no problems. x2

'If I only could, be running up that hill.' x7

so tired. Aah. Am I awake. of course I am. I'm so hungry. I hate this week and next week. distance. okay okay. gotta hang in there.
  • Reading: Living Buddha, Living Christ
Twenty four oceans
Twenty four skies
Twenty four failures
Twenty four tries
Twenty four finds me
In twenty-fourth place
Twenty four drop outs
At the end of the day
Life is not what I thought it was
Twenty four hours ago

Still I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You
And I'm not who I thought I was twenty four hours ago
Still I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You

Twenty four reasons to admit that I'm wrong
With all my excuses still twenty four strong

See I'm not copping out not copping out not copping out
When You're raising the dead in me
Oh, oh I am the second man
Oh, oh I am the second man now
Oh, oh I am the second man now

And You're raising these twenty four voices
With twenty four hearts
With all of my symphonies
In twenty four parts
But I wan to be one today
Centered and true

I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You
You're raising the dead in me
Oh, oh I am the second man
Oh, oh I am the second man now
Oh, oh I am the second man now
And You're raising the dead in me

I want to see miracles, see the world change
Wrestled the angel, for more than a name
For more than a feeling
For more than a cause
I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You
And You're raising the dead in me
Twenty four voices
With twenty four hearts
With all of my symphonies
In twenty four parts.
I'm not copping out. Not copping out. Not copping out.


Hanging in there. Persefuckingvere. peace
  • Reading: Living Buddha, Living Christ
We live and we learn, we crash and we burn
Right now my only rhyme is this lesson I learned
You talk about trust, I talk about lust
It's not appealin' as you truly speak your feelings
I be lookin' at the ceiling, so concealing
I shoulda put my heart on the table
Knowin' I was good and able but instead I fed your fables
If I could have you back, best believe it'd be forever
Cause each and every day you would hear those four letters

A don't stop your dreamin'
Let yourself float upon the notion
We can work it out, we gonna work it out baby
Go ahead lose yourself inside this opportunity
That we gonna make it right now, make it right now


These are different times but we feel the same pains
The blood of mankind runnin' through the same veins
We'd like to make it right, some which it remain tame
Same crimes even though their names changed
And we like different minds workin' off the same brain
Passengers on different cars steppin off the same train
In the end, makin' it right's the main aim
Different parts of the picture highlight the same frame


A don't stop your dreamin'
Let yourself float upon the notion
We can work it out, we gonna work it out baby
Go ahead lose yourself inside this opportunity
That we gonna make it right now, make it right now


Now if you know what I know you need to work it out
If you ain't happy with yourself you need to work it out
You havin' problems with your family then work it
The things we go through just to work it
I work it out when the situations seems unworkable,
unreversible but God is most merciful
Many works, Many men converse
With soul search sweat it out
when they tryin' to work it out

-Jurassic 5



-------



March 9th

I went to the Getty Museum up in LA. Lovely place, really. I didn't realize it then, but I was affected by the works of art. It's a great place to just kind of escape from reality and your daily routine. Ahh. I'll be posting quite a few photos up. I think most of them will be in the scraps section.

I hope you all are well. :)

Peace and love.
  • Listening to: John Legend
  • Reading: Suicide and Young People
We're just ordinary people.
We don't know which way to go.
We're just ordinary people.
Maybe we should take it slow.

I don't quite feel anymore. Stoic. I think I've mentioned this before. Hmm. I want to share something again:


You want change? Change your thinking. We are spiritual beings having a physical experience. Recent discoveries in the quantum field have the science that now puts rational explanations to these energetic experiences. In the quantum field, there is nothing but space everywhere. Most of what we are made from is space, and in this space exists millions of bands of energy strung together creating this cosmic dance of reality as we experience it. As we experience it, we also co-create the experience and outcomes. It doesn't need to be over-complicated or over-analyzed; just viewed with an open mind so that a foundation of understanding and connection is gained.

The reason I bring this up is that it is very important to seeing the world change. While much is done to bring news forward that demonstrates some negative perceptions of our political and economic systems, it is not intended to raise hate or negativity; it's intention is to raise awareness. Awareness allows more focused thought towards the common good of all of our communities. The focused awareness works on the universal consciousness and can alter events at the energetic spiritual level.  
  
The basis of the title, You Don't Fight for Peace, You Peace for Peace, is based upon a slogan adopted from a David Icke video. Believe him or not, some of his theories or research go farther than I'm willing to accept so far, but this one statement, in the context of our energetic spiritual connections to one another and the universe makes absolute sense. Ever watched normal people lose it in a mob? You must have heard the term "mob mentality" and other such similar phenomena? That's the crux of the whole problem.

Our entire society is feeling the strain, the hate, the distrust, the caution. Children don't play outside, car doors are locked, violence is on the rise, children are swarming and bullying at younger and younger ages. And did you ever stop to think that you are adding to the problem simply through the power of your negative, fearful, hateful, and angry thoughts? Neither had I. The more I've researched the quantum physics, spirituality, the origins of the universe, the more I've come to understand our nature and how we are controlled by violence, fear, hate.
  
  
    * You don't fight for peace; You peace for peace. ~ David Icke
    * All that is not given is lost. ~ Hasari Pal; City of Joy
    * I have my fears, but they do not have me. ~ Peter Gabriel; Up
    * Nothing will keep me from mine or mine from me. ~ Unknown
    * Peace is the work of justice indirectly, insofar as justice removes the obstacles to peace; but it is the work of charity (love) directly since charity, according to its very notion, causes peace. ~ Thomas Aquinas
    * It is essential to know that to be a happy person, a happy family, a happy society, it is very crucial to have a good heart, that is very crucial. World peace must develop from inner peace. Peace is not just the absence of violence but the manifestation of human compassion. ~ The Dalai Lama
    * Peace is not something you wish for; it's something you make, something you do, something you are, something you give away. ~ Robert Fulghum
    * To forgive is not to forget. The merit lies in loving in spite of the vivid knowledge that the one that must be loved is not a friend. ~ Ghandi
    * The past is prophetic in that it asserts loudly that wars are poor chisels for carving out peaceful tomorrows. ~ Martin Luther King, Jr.
    * Peace is not won by those who fiercely guard their differences, but by those who with open minds and hearts seek out connections. ~ Katherine Paterson
    * Mankind must remember that peace is not God's gift to his creatures, peace is our gift to each other. ~ Elie Wiesel
    * Be the change you are trying to make. ~ Ghandi

More Peace Quotes - notice the famous names, past US Presidents, Military Officers, President's Wives, Inventors, and Founding Fathers. These are not the quality of people we experience today but you can be that experience. Read that last Ghandi quote again:

Be the change you are trying to make.


I've been at war for too long; I am determined to change.
  • Listening to: Chris Garneau, Emily White
Firstly, Happy New Year to you all. I hope yours will be grand. Time sure does fly by fast. New Years Resolution(s), anyone? I hope I'll commit to mine, heh. Well, how are you guys? What's been going on in your life? Hopefully, things are well. :)


------

Chris Garneau. I have yet to get his CD.

****
"Not Nice"

Always so still, i never will, be like you.
And you never will strike, me better

It's always so clear, you never really hear,at all..
and i fear, that you wont get better

As when you're not being nice,
you're not nice, you're not nice,
you're not nice.
I'd rather leave you alone,
I'm gonna leave you alone

You've been quiet for so long,
something was wrong,
you never said a word.
So i know that you won't get better,

That's your fifth drink,
don't you think, that that's a lot?
Considering we've only been here for a little while now..

when you're not being nice,
you're not nice, you're not nice,
you're not nice.
I'd rather leave you alone,
I'm gonna leave you alone

You're always so still,
I, never will
be like you
and you never will strike me a better at all

Sometimes you're nice,
but when you're not nice, you're not nice,
you're not nice.
I'd rather leave you alone,
I'm gonna leave you alone..



------------------


:bulletred: Check out these artists/musicians:

Six Organs Of Admittance


www.youtube.com/watch?v=L9NmqL…


Emily White

www.myspace.com/emilyjanewhite



:bulletgreen: And I've been sharing this with everyone lately; I thought I'd post on here too if anyone happens to read it.

"This is all true. September 7th. The clock is ticking...."
Written by Matt Lazzara

I don't think a lot of people sit around and contemplate their lives. I mean, people think about their futures and what they're going to do, and what they should have done in order to achieve something, but I don't think anyone contemplates their present. What they're doing right now. Everyone's heard of living in the moment or whatever, but I think very few people act on it. Myself included and that's something that I regret immensely.

Life is a finite thing. Obviously, everyone's life is going to end, but mine has a time limit. No surprises for me, and depressingly enough, that time limit is going to run out rather soon. I've never really told anyone how long I have left, or what exactly (in great detail) is wrong with me, because I would rather my friends viewed me as a vital, volaile, rather silly human beings, but at age 21, most people don't understand or know how to contemplate the thought that someone you know, they would abandon me for more secure, lasting relationships.

So everyday, every minute is vital to me, the most mundane things are breaths of fresh air. The things that most people take for granted but shouldn't - a kiss, a pudding fight, a good long walk or an intriguing conversation - are now intensely important to me, and I think they should be important to everyone. The fact that I know I won't be able to experience these things makes them achingly more important to me, and they make me desperate to achieve them one more time.

I want to close my eyes and kiss a girl one more time; the kind of kiss that makes you feel like you're floating, the kind where you forget to do something with your hands because it's so good. I want to go camping, and lay in the grass and think how naively beautiful the day is. I want to shoot off fireworks and run away when the cops pull up. I want someone to hold my hand and te ll me something nice about myself. I want to be able to read the paper and deride George W. to someone, and have them hate that asshole with me. I want to sit on a stoop late into the night, drinking shitty beer and telling stories. I want to feel alive, and not dead or dying, and think that those things - the most trivial and passing connections to the world and people in it - are violently important.

So this is my contribution to you. I'm desperately telling you - all of you- to take advantage of your youth and vitality. I hear too many people talking about college and getting shitty jobs afterward. I hear too many people talking about work and how this and that sucks. Fuck, we're all wasting our lives doing things that disconnect us from everyone else! You don't need a four or five year plan, and you sure as hell don't need to worry about feeling innocent and immature again. Worry about making everyday something to talk about, and not just another blank page in your life.

I used to act like you. I had a plan. I had a future, and all that blew away, but right now, I barely have a present, and that's how I've realizewd the error of our ways. Please, please, don't get old and die, and die of cancer, and realize you did nothing with your life but make plans that never happened. Don't miss opportunities anymore. If you like someone, tell them, if you think the time is right to kiss someone, do it. If you feel like you're in a rut, don something to stupid and silly and fun. If you feel the world is ugly, make something beautiful. Stop being so cautious, some movie line said : if you take life too seriously, you'll never get out alive.

Trust me, as much as life sucks sometimes, and wow, do I know it sucks, it is still the only thing we know. It is the only thing that matters, and it's wonderful. Life is a beautiful, ridiculous, tragic disaster, but it's the only thing we have. So don't let it lie by the wayside in pursuit of crap that's barely important. People are the most important resource, and so are the relationships we build with them. I feel the pinch of that more ever now. If we could spend 400 billion dollars to cure cancer instead of building and maintaining weapons, I wouldn't have to write this. So this is, essentially, a plea. This is the most personal thing I've ever written, and I hope it reaches more people than I ever could.

Don't forget this is the only life you have, make something worthwhile out of it, and no one who you've laughed, cried, kissed, and bled with will ever forget you.

Matthew D, Lazzara
April 2, 1982 - February 15, 2004



Sometimes, it's better to wear masks, eh? Wow, what a change of tone and mood, right? Haha.
  • Listening to: Joseph Arthur, Augustana
  • Reading: Everyone, including myself, should read more.
  • Watching: Little Miss Sunshine. :)
  • Eating: leftover pumpkin pie
  • Drinking: cider
It's 10:19 and I doubt anyone will really read any of this. Truly.

Earlier I didn't feel so well. I thought about myself and life and people. I just didn't feel like.. I don't quite know how to say it or explain it. I wish I could, but sometimes my honesty hurts others and they tend to ignore me or pretend I don't exist. So for once, I guess I'll shut up and not rant. I guess I'll just keep it to myself. I wish life wasn't so complicated or complex. Why do we even exist? Skepticism. Nothing can be known for certain. That was pretty random. Anyways. Whenever I'm being pessimistic or nostalgic, I keep telling myself that there's something even greater in the future. It'll be a new beginning or chapter in my life. I'm pretty much lying and tricking myself. It's as if I'm manipulating myself. Just hold on. Just hold on.. and the future will be bright for you. Who am I kidding?

I wish I knew how to describe myself. It's difficult for me to write about myself. It really is. I can write in third person, but I can't write about what I think about myself. I've tried, but it seems so fake. I came across someone's blog entry, and I cried while reading it. i cried while reading most of his blog entries. It was as if I was reading from my own diary.



Hello, my name is Brian Peterson and sometimes I do things I am not proud of.

Sometimes I convince people I am important. Sometimes I convince people that I'm a nice person. Sometimes in conversation I make it sound as if I am more popular I am. Sometimes I bring up the fact that I was struck by a moving vehicle in an attempt to get sympathy. Sometimes I stare at myself in the mirror. Sometimes I can't believe that the person I am looking at is actually me, and I touch my face in shock, surprised I can feel the fingers on my skin. Sometimes I send messages to people over the phone and myspace, desperately trying to remind them that I exist, and hoping I won't fade from their memory. Sometimes I start to write short stories about my life, and post them on the internet, only to stop halfway through and leave people wondering about the end. Sometimes I watch people live on TV, because I don't feel I am doing enough living myself. Sometimes I think I am brilliant. Sometimes I think I am the most untalented person on the planet. Sometimes I miss people I used to know so much that I feel like I could explode.

Sometimes I feign bravery, and post blogs on the internet confessing things I do in real life so that complete strangers can read them, knowing full well that it will make them identify and like me more.


------------------------------------------

Hi, my name is Brian Peterson and sometimes I do things I am not proud of.

Sometimes I find myself happy when I am around a bunch of people I feel are uglier than me, because it makes me feel better about my average looks. Sometimes I can't stop touching my hair, because I'm worried it will look stupid and people won't like me. Sometimes I act like I'm in a good mood just so people won't think I'm a downer. Sometimes I act like I'm sad so people will ask me what's wrong and it will initiate a conversation that would normally have not taken place. Sometimes I go to peoples myspaces that I don't talk to much, or used to know because I want to see how they are doing but I'm too worried they have forgotten me to actually send them a message. Sometimes I pretend I am confident when I am really scared to death. Sometimes I pretend I'm scared to death when I'm really confident. Sometimes I judge people based on the clothes they wear. Sometimes I look at people and think I am better than them, even though that is probably not true. Sometimes I furiously scrawl things in notebooks, but make sure to make it extra dramatic in case somebody happens to read it someday. Sometimes I open my cell phone when people are around so they think that somebody cared enough to call, even when nobody has. Sometimes I can't fall asleep at night because I worry I'm wasting my life, and I can't think of a way to take advantage of it. Sometimes I listen to talk radio because it makes me feel like I'm a part of an interesting conversation, even when I'm not.

My name is Brian Peterson, and when I have problems, I pretend they don't exist.



                                                                  I guess the future awaits for me, eh?



Then I came across this:


Organizing Ourselves - A Precursor to Positive Change



It is estimated that of the 6.4 billion human beings on Earth today, approximately two-thirds suffer in some way; either mentally, emotionally, and/or physically. Of these, we know that over one billion individuals go to sleep hungry each night, often without a bed. The remainder, whether rich or poor, are sick or lonely - or both. All are a consequence of a clearly dysfunctional society.

With so many of Earth's inhabitants living in abused bodies with damaged psyches, continually sending out vibrations of sadness and pain; feelings of unused potential and unfulfilled lives - is it any wonder that our society here on earth and even other civilizations in our galaxy might be increasingly alarmed as they in turn are possibly affected.

To switch from a world of suffering to one of well-being, we must eliminate the negative thought forms which have been emanating from our planet throughout our civilization. Hope for a better world is the beginning. However trusting in our inner potential has to be the answer.

Some of us feel that if just fifty-one percent of the global population began emanating happiness, the rest of us would naturally follow suit. Other claim that if only ten percent of the populace practiced happiness, a critical mass of like consciousness would be reached. Still others, like transcendental meditation guru, Maharishi Mahesh Yogi, believe that if as little as "the square root of one percent" of our entire population practiced meditation, we would be able to bring about paradise on Earth.

The opportunity for every consciously responsible person to begin thinking, talking, praying, and meditating for world peace and salvation has always existed. Perhaps it is only now that the potential for lasting change has fully presented itself to our wakening psyches. We are on the threshold of creating a world with unlimited potential and a life of unconditional love. It is well within our power to do so, if we only acknowledge it. So let us continue paving the way for the "new" order of being - that which we always intended from the beginning - but simply forgot!


PS. I apologize for submitting a lot of written work lately, instead of my photos. Haven't had a chance to really go anywhere.

peace & love,
michelle